I’ve been spending a lot of time lately going through boxes and boxes AND BOXES of “sentimental items,” Those are the very last category of the Kon Mari method, for those who have read or watched Tidying Up.
Marie says you should save this cateogry for last, because it’s the most difficult category to let go of. Most people struggle deciding what does or does not “spark joy” when it comes to sentimental items. I think that’s part of the reason I’ve gathered so many boxes of treasures. And the very fact that there are so many made it feel too overwhelming to even begin. Plus a lot of the boxes came from my grandparents or my mom, and it felt disloyal to get rid of any of it.
Anyway, I’ve been plugging my way through, as I’m staying safe at home like so many in our world right now. It’s been incredibly liberating to realize that just because something meant a lot to someone I love, doesn’t mean it’s important to me. (I mean, do I need a box full of black and white school pictures of people I don’t know? No.) And my family wouldn’t want me to carry the burden of their treasures, if they aren’t my treasures as well.
It’s also been liberating to methodically look through every photo and keepsake from various times in my life and to consider whether they represent the person I am now and whether they are things I want to carry into my future. I’m finding that in many cases, I’m not that person anymore, and these things don’t make the current version of me very joyful. (Why did I carefully box up a bunch of ceramic cat figurines? And then not open the box for 20 years?)
Many of these keepsakes have reminded me of past relationships, and it hit me the other night, both of my major past relationships were with men who wanted a woman I was never going to be. To be fair, I wanted them to be men they were never going to be as well. And we tried for quite a while to be those people. But, it didn’t last, and it didn’t ultimately “spark joy” for us to remain together.
But you know what? They both have women now who are those people for them. And I’m genuinely happy for them! My ex-husband wanted a farm wife. Frying chicken and keeping it warm until the boys came in from the field, or maybe hanging out in the field with the boys in the 100 degree heat and dry dirt. Either way, it wasn’t me. It was never going to be me. I just wanted to be at home puttering around and watching tv or reading, and I wanted him home with me. He lives on his farm now and owns a hay business, and he has a woman who seems to be what he needs to make him happy.
My ex-fiance wanted someone to ride motorcycles with him. I tried. I really did. I just couldn’t get past thinking, “Please don’t let me die,” every time I hopped on the back. It wasn’t fun for me. I didn’t mind him riding, but a part of me worried every time he went out for a ride. And he rode a lot. He also loved NASCAR, which I do not. I didn’t mind it (at least not as much as the motorcycle), but it just wasn’t my thing. When he watched on tv, it was white noise in the background while I sat at the other end of the couch reading my book. The couple of times he took me to an actual racetrack, I was miserable. Noisy, hot, dirty. (Why the heat and the dirt with these guys?) Again, I wanted to be at home, quiet, cool, and clean.
He used to joke that if he started a question with, “Do you want to go…?” my answer was always no. I corrected him, because if you were to ask, “Do you want to go home?” or “Do you want to go get ice cream?” my answer is yes. Always. But honestly, any other question about “going?” No. I don’t want to. And he always wanted to go.
And guess what? He’s got that woman now. He’s married to a lovely woman who has her own motorcycle. They ride all the time, and they look really happy. But that woman? I was never going to be her.
So they both have exactly what they need to be happy in life, and that isn’t me. And that’s fabulous. I’m genuinely happy for them.
The other day I was going through a journal my counselor had me keep when I was in therapy after my divorce. She asked me to make a list of characteristics I’d want in my ideal life partner. It’s dated 3/21/09. I made this list over 11 years ago. Here are some highlights:
My Life Partner:
Is someone I feel safe with (Seems like a very low standard, but let’s move on).
Takes care of his belongings.
Loves animals and the environment.
Makes me laugh.
Adores me.
Is honest and trustworthy (Again, seems like a given?).
Shares my political views.
Is a law-abiding citizen (Does this really need to be said?! Sadly, yes, it does. Been there, dated that. More than once).
Pays his bills on time.
Is someone I respect and admire.
Smells good (Is this even debatable? Like many things humans have written down over the years, it was written because someone, once upon a time, didn’t do it correctly).
Is an equal partner in our relationship.
Makes me feel fireworks.
Is someone I can depend on.
Brings me joy (Before I’d heard of Marie Kondo, I was looking for someone who sparked joy!).
More than 11 years later, as I read over this long list, it hit me…I found him. I FOUND HIM. And we moved in together this week, in the middle of a pandemic. See, I was going through all those boxes of mementos from my past in order to clear space for my future. 2009 Janet made a list of what she wanted, what she needed, and 2020 Janet just moved in with exactly him.
His favorite thing to do? Be at home with me. Home. With me. Sometimes (like now) he’s in the back room watching a thrash metal documentary, and I’m in the front room watching The Bachelor. But we’re both home. We’re actually both home always now, thanks to this pandemic, and we couldn’t be more content to be here together. In a couple hours we’ll fix some dinner together, then watch HGTV while we eat together. Afterward we’ll clean up the kitchen. Together. We have some very different interests, but we’re the same in all the ways that mean the most to us both.
Maybe in 2009, I didn’t get what I wanted. But now, I’ve got what I need.